Like a fist to the jugular: Gore Watch!
What can I say? I got nothing.
No kidding. I knew it was a pretty quiet week, but I wasn't expecting this. Honest to god, there was nothing.
No beheadings, no face-tearings, only one, subtle broken arm, and not an exploding body in sight. Oh sure, Daredevil had someone's throat being ripped out, but even that was understated.
What does this mean then for the future of Gore Watch? Fear not, fellow watchdogs, for I will stand ever vigilant at the walls of decency, ready to mobilise at the slightest bloody splash.
But it would seem, at least for now, that my work is done. Sleep well, my children, secure in knowledge that I, Andrew Salmond, am here for you. Perhaps outside your window as you read these very words...
Ka kite!
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Monday, May 28, 2007
Gore Watch! 26/05/07
Monday, May 21, 2007
Gore Watch! 21/05/07
Hither and thither, the tiptoe of Gore Watch!
Okay, okay...so I missed another week. No defence really. I was just too caught up in my deer-skinning night class. So I'm a little behind, but I can gut a 14-point stag in seconds.
COUNTDOWN #51 & 50
This is the new weekly followup to 52, cleverly numbering itself...guess how? Anyway, before getting into any actual gore, let's pop by the secret layer of wacky Flash rogues Weather Wizard, Pied Piper, Heat Wave, Trickster and Mirror Master (and yes, they pretty much do what it says on the box). Bunch of crrrazy guys in their colourful costumes, no doubt pulling off some nutty caper or other.
Oh...or maybe hanging out with prostitutes, snorting cocaine. Like any good city banker I suppose. As an aside, click on this to blow it up and check out the lovingly rendered pimples and bruises on the legs of the girl on the couch. Nice one DC. Always looking to pull in that future generation of readers. Anyway, where is that rascally Mirror Master?
Oh MM! Always the joker!
Meanwhile, the week before in Countdown #51:
No, I don't know what the hell he's doing either, but I'm sure it gives him job satisfaction.
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #540
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can.
"C'mere Alvin, I'm gonna break your arm, like Spidey does!"
Okay, so we don't see the bone bursting through, or blood pumping out, or even an actual clear shot of the break. I credit that to Ron Garney, who I think is a fine artist and who often shows a great deal of restraint with violence. In a way I should be advocating panels like the one above if this kind of thing absolutely has to be in pages of a comic about one of the world's most recognisable (and kiddie-appealing) comic characters. But, y'know what? This kind of thing doesn't need to be in pages of a comic about one of the world's most recognisable (and kiddie-appealing) comic characters.
Oh, and speaking of broken arms,
ALL STAR BATMAN & ROBIN #5
I'm from the school of thought that All Star Batman & Robin is a special kind of genius. There are very few comics out there that make me laugh this much, and yes, I do believe Miller is doing it intentionally. But Mary McDuff of Perthshire, bringing home a copy for little Dougal, might not be expecting this:
Nice bloody broken arm going on there. Meanwhile, dumpster-eater is left looking like something out of Watership Down.
Nice one Bats!
JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA #9
Quite.
Actually, what I find funny about this is that they just couldn't resist that little spurt of blood. This could be done in a fairly restrained manner in this kind of profile shot, but at some point the decision has been made to get some brain sauce a-squirtin'.
BATMAN #665
Ahh, I for one am glad that they used the whole Infinite Crisis thing as an excuse to lighten up the DC universe and add a bit of fun back into Batman. Because nothing spells F.U.N. like a dead prostitute!
As a matter of fact, what the hell is up with all the prostitutes showing up in DC books? Is there some kind of editorial hate-on for sex-workers?
Magic Eightball says: Yes!
Seriously though, I know this is the bad guy, and we're supposed to hate him and all, but really, do we need to see him smashing the broken and battered body of some poor dead woman into a wall? Especially in a book that would never dream in a million years of showing a healthy, happy woman's nipple*.
NEW AVENGERS #30
Damn! You would think Wolverine would get a kevlar polo-neck or something!
Rated "A" for All, folks! Unlike the following...
MOON KNIGHT #10
Ah, Moonie, Gore Watch would be half the watch it is without you. What's been going on this week, under Marvel's dubious "Parental Guidance" label? Well, how about this:
and this:
and some of this:
(Let me help you out on that one: SHHRRRRIP!)
Look! A special guest appearance by the Punisher! Will they battle and then come to an understanding to fight the real villain? Or perhaps Moon Knight will just sit around and watch while the Punisher dispenses some Street Justice. Maybe have a little conversation about how appropriate it is.
"Really, Frank? Oh well, I'm not sure I totally agree. I mean, it could be argued that until we address the problems underlying this kind of thing, then we really are just fighting a losing battle."
<Wait--did he just say 'culling the herd'? This guy is nuts.>
"Nice shot, Frank! Of course it could be said that crime is a completely normal a part of society which will naturally fluctuate over time. You may be interested to know that violent crime has actually, in the bigger picture, continued a downward trend throughout the history of recorded crime statistics. Not that we can ever totally eliminate crime. Wherever there are laws, after all, there will always be criminals."
"And I must say, Frank, in the words of Nietzsche: 'Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze --Oh my God! You just totally blew the top off that guy's head! HIGH FIVE!"
Okay, so I rag on Moon Knight. I do always come fairly close to giving it a pass; it's clearly not meant for kids, and does after all carry a (barely distinguishable on the cover) Parental Advisory label. But then it never fails to do something to make me think: bull####. Yes, I said "####". Because guess what? Moon Knight can show us people's brains spilling onto the street, but not a "ca-ca" in sight.
What the fuck kind of sound does a motherfucking cunt of a symbol like # make anyway? Shit, fucked if I know. I'm just glad I don't have to explain it to my son.
Honestly Marvel, if you want to do this kind of book, make it a Max title. Because the only thing that makes this any different from virtually any issue of the Punisher Max (other than the fact that this is rubbish and that is one of the best titles on the market) is the language. Because the violence is easily on a par. Wake up!
Oh, also, are they really calling it "the 'Raq" now? Has anyone heard that used anywhere else?
Phew...I need to go sit down with a cool drink. Back next week. Promise!
*Head over to Iron Man for that kind of action!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Gore Watch! 05/05/07
"What the hell!" you scream, "Where have you been Gore Watch?"
Well, gentle folk, just last week as I sat down at my PC to begin another searing exposé of the comics world, there was a knock at my door. Two men in suits awaited me, subpoenas and cease-and-desist letters clutched in their sweaty, regulated palms. Well, they saw I was made of sterner stuff and broke down right there on my doorstep, begging and pleading with me to stop. Stop my weekly brain-soaked exploration of the darker side of popular graphic entertainment. It seems that I, Andrew Salmond, have brought the mighty publishers to their knees. Unable now to freely propagate their gory wares as substitute for good old fashioned storytelling, they were hitting a dead end. They had, it seems, forgotten what good old fashioned storytelling even was. They offered me every enticement, every incentive to stop. Money. Power. Space tourism. But it wasn't enough*. So, after giving them a week to think they were safe in their blood-stained ivory towers, I'm back.
That story may or may not be true.
Two of my top keyword searches for the blog yesterday were "beheading sound" and "broke his leg".
That story is true.
Anyway, enough blurb. On with the show!
Moral crusade.....I meant moral crusade....
WOLVERINE #53
I've said it before and I'll say it again: a vague "Parental Guidance" warning on the cover does not compensate for the fact that this is Wolverine, one of Marvel's most popular characters. And it certainly doesn't cover lingering, tube-y severed heads.
What the @#$% kind of guidance does that require?
I almost cherry-picked the following page, but then I figured it sits better in all it's blood-on-every-panel glory. Slashed chest! Injury to eye! Impaling!
And finally, a lingering shot of the sword resting in Sabretooth's cushion-y bosom.
CONNOR HAWKE: DRAGON'S BLOOD #6
To be fair, it seems a little silly to pick out anything in an issue where a large amount of time is spent with Connor Hawke (son of the Green Arrow) fighting a guy in nappies in a gigantic pool of blood. For example, any given page may look a little like this:
But I think the following sequence qualifies, with the son of Green Arrow taking the arrow which has pierced his hand, shoving it the chest of his enemy, and then (click on this for a closer look) giving it a little encouragement to really get things gushing.
Holy shik! Now that's super-heroic!
ALL NEW ATOM #11
Again with the whole zombie cheat in the Atom, but the last time I saw a poorly drawn shovel get planted in a living person's head it looked exactly like this.
What will little Timmy Bellbottoms think when Granny brings that home?
"Daddy, do good guys kill people with shovels?"
DC IN-HOUSE ADVERTISING: SINESTRO CORPS
So DC go line-wide with some gore this week, getting a bit of bony meat-hook action on the Green Lantern Corps. You know Green Lantern. He's in a team with Superman. He makes giant tractors and colossal cash registers out of green stuff. His nemesis, Sinestro, does the same thing, only it's made out of yellow stuff. And he probably makes giant pelicans. And shovels.
Oh, and makes bloody kebabs of his enemies.
CATWOMAN #66
Catwoman is actually a pretty decent read. Will Pfeiffer juggles a nice varied cast of characters, and he writes women well. And, to be honest, I don't expect this title to end up here.
Oops. Maybe Will's been having a few drinks with Geoff Johns. Y'know, when I was a kid that kind of action would gotten you an R18 rating. Now it's a full page splash in a comic starring a mainstream, recognisable super(anti)hero. Well, I guess I shouldn't...pfftt....LOSE MY HEAD!
IRON MAN #17
Remember Iron Man? Last month, All Ages rated Iron Man gave us an autopsy, a popped head, and a nipple. This month, rated "A" for All Iron Man gives us.....
SPLURT!
At least that's the sound it should have made. Just imagine if they'd done this in 52! What do you think? Answers in the comments below.
A couple of points about Iron Man:
a) It's actually a pretty decent read at the moment.
b) It's written by the father/son team of Daniel and Charles Knauf. Daniel was responsible for HBO's excellent and lamented Carnivale, which I bought the first box set of a couple of weeks back, and which you should watch.
Move on, people! Move on! Nothing to see here!
*Not quite enough.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Gore Watch! 21/04/07
Whither comes Gore Watch?
MOON KNIGHT #9
Y'know, I almost gave Moon Knight an off this week. After all, it's not like the title is trying to appeal to the younger audience.
But then I thought: If you want to have people ripping other people's teeth out, make it a Max title why don't ya?
ROBIN #161
This week in Robin: Tim uncovers an insidious plot by Gotham cannibals to preserve junkies.
Mmm....marmalade!
Now strap in kids, it's WORLD WAR 3! Remember how a few weeks ago Black Adam went crazy, FWATting his way across the world as revenge for the havoc wrecked upon his people and his family? (Wait: revenge at a strike against his homeland? A revenge which costs the lives of many innocents along the path to his intended targets? Hmmm...)
Anyway, after a brief stay at Oolong Island, he's back on the warpath! A four-issue-in-one-week exercise in exploiting the power of compulsion over taste! Weirdly, 2 & 4 are pretty much clean. But #1 kicks us off in fine style...
WORLD WAR THREE #1
I'll ease you in with a little Nightwing (or IS he?) action:
Some people would say it was okay for kids to see this, as there is no blood.I say HE BROKE HIS LEG! Yeesh, have you ever had someone break YOUR leg?
Anyway, less talk, more SKLATCH!
Skunch me, that looks painful.
AHAHAHA! Nice one Black Adam! At least he kept his sense of humour.
WORLD WAR 3 #3
And then...
Yow!
Watch out Young Frankenstein, here he comes!
Ouch! (Though interesting to note that the sound of someone getting their arms ripped off is almost identical to someone having their face ripped off. Who knew?)
Yeah, for "enigma", read "someone nobody really gives a damn about". Poor fella. Looks like he's snoring.
By the by, I was quietly sitting here in Gore Watch central, browsing the internet whilst contemplating my Tipitaka, when I came across this!
Not only has he had the same idea as me, but he's managed to fit in unsuitable sexual references to boot! Personally that kind of thing was formative in my youthful development, but I see where he's coming from...
Anyway! More power to him! Together we will smash the insidious corruptions of Big Comics!
Onward, my moral army!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Gore Watch! 15/04/07
And what, pray tell, is Gore Watch?
Welcome back, my friends of moral standing. I'm afraid to see the industry backsliding a little this week. Indeed, two of our offenders have been adapted over to the medium of film, attracting a significant young audience eager for life lessons and harmless entertainment. And that's why they're getting featured, even though they may be classed as "T+" or "Parental Advisory" under Marvel's wonderfully obscure age rating system. Take for example:
GHOST RIDER #10
Ol' GR whips out the Zombie Cheat this week. After all, performing acts of grotesque violence on an animated dead person doesn't really count, does it?
Well, colour me jaded, but one shotgunned head looks much like another to me. Ahh...takes me back. Anyway, to add dead-insult to dead-injury, our local sheriff decides to have a little fun. Hey, why kill 'em outright when you can get the wacky bastards crawlin'?
"T+" everybody! Burst heads and dismembered feet, but no "shit" allowed.
WOLVERINE ORIGINS #13
Sooo, I haven't really been reading this lately, but apparently in an incredibly shit twist of fate, Wolverine has a son! A son named...
Who makes the previous gore-applicant X-23 seem like a thoroughly good idea . Daken appears to have a chip on his shoulder, and like all disgruntled youths of 10 years ago he starts listening to nu-metal, gets an hilarious haircut, goes for some tribal tattoos, and slits his old man's throat.
Half the issue is Daken facing off against daddy, effectively torturing him: a claw through the leg, a claw through the arm, and so on. It's like an explosion in a ketchup factory. Okay, "Parental Advisory", sure. Tell that to Mary Joe Collins who just picked up a copy for her son. She won't be so happy when her husband's lifeblood is gushing on the floor in a few years, will she? WILL SHE?? Okay, that might not happen, and good parenting might, just might avert that terrible day. But then again, it might not. And Wolverine Origins #13 would be to blame.
GREEN LANTERN CORPS #11
Green Lantern stories, when not written by Geoff Johns, are generally pretty innocuous. Either the violence happens on a huge, explosive scale, or it takes the form of a giant green hand punching somone's lights out. A bit of the ol' "blood from the mouth" is what you tend to get. So I was a bit surprised to be flicking through and come across...
Bad enough that a Green Lantern is getting pin-cushioned by little munchkin men, but what've they done to his eyes? Jesus, that would give me nightmares for weeks!
TEEN TITANS #45
Ahh, Geoff Johns. You just can't help yourself, can you? Just when, lately, you seemed to be toning down a little, along comes the Teen Titans, and a little thing I like to call "Raven Has Just Made Me Re-live Having My Arm Ripped Off In Technicolour Glory". It goes something like this:
EEEYAAAAA indeed! I guess Johns couldn't resist the bait laid down by Brad Meltzer in JLA #6, but held off enough to use the It's All In Your Head Cheat. That doesn't really count, does it?
Well, paint me in tones of jaundice, but one arm violently torn from the shoulder looks much like another to me. Oh yes, yes it does.
IRON MAN #16
Okay, I'm on safe ground here! This issue of Iron Man was labelled "A", for all ages. So, a few pages in, what should I see?
I've got news for you Jack: the exposed brains of a corpse are still exposed brains. But, okay. Okay, I can get with it. It's like a medical thing. Not really out of line of something they might see in the science lab. Okay...
WHOA! That guy just totally blew someone away from point blank range in the back of the head! But wait. Okay, so it's all silhouette, nothing really explicit. It might be a bit strong for a 6 year-old, but at least his brains aren't showing, right?
Hang on, what's this? Two Arab terrorists break into a place holding Chinese criminal mastermind the Mandarin prisoner? But things don't go as smoothly as they like? And the Mandarin uses one of the chains holding him as a lethal weapon?
Note to self: KRRENCH-POP! is the greatest beheading sound effect I have ever seen. Though I'm not sure why his skin was bursting off as well, but I guess that could qualify as artistic license. And in case it's not clear what happened to him:
All Ages, people!
ALL AGES!
But I gotta hand it to whoever had the idea for the sound effects. I also have to hand it to Iron Man's editorial balance. All Ages label aside, they've taken a mature, adult approach. After all, none of these other comics this week actually tackle the wonderful beauty of naked human sexuality.
I was talking about the nipple slip, but actually that panel is all kinds of wrong...
Hey-a! I's-a gonna go now, okay? Capiche? Ciao ciao!
