Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em

Another Hammer classic crossed my screen last night. None other than Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter!


In case you've never been under it's beguiling spell, the synopsis is that ex-soldier Kronos and his hunchback henchman - the brains of the outfit - roam the English countryside hunting vampires. Kronos has an air of wounded mystique, the origins of which become apparent through the film (he went to war, he came back, his mother and sister had been turned into vampires, he killed them, he hunts vampires). This apparently makes him irresistible to the most attractive woman to grace the seventies (and my childhood - more on that later).

Anyway, a vampire is killing young women in the village of his old friend, Dr Somethingorother, by draining not their blood....but their YOUTH!


Anyway, the usual shenanigans ensue, with our anti-hero nonchalantly working his way to the heart - and the vampire - of the matter. And it's great fun, in the classic Hammer style (and not in the slightly shitty, cheap and nasty, barely better than soft core porn Hammer style).

Nonchalant, by the way, is my polite way of referring to the acting talents of Horst Janson, man of a thousand brow hairs. None of which move. Observe!

"Let's be having you, peasant scum!"

"Thank you, my faithful friend! You have fashioned a weapon with which to vanquish my enemy, while I have meditated with a cloth over my head in order to enhance my wounded mystique!"

"You truly are the most beautiful woman of the seventies. I am aroused."

"Now! In the heat of battle I use my secret weapon against you, my archenemy, in order to reflect your mesmeric gaze! My friend made this. While I did nothing."

"I kicked her ass!"

Interestingly, despite his wooden stylings, he's actually made a pretty decent career for himself, mainly in war movies and German television. It should also be noted that he was apparently the first German star to appear on TV with long hair. So I guess he has the last laugh.

More importantly...

Cor blimey guv, it's only most beautiful woman of the seventies, and star of Andrew's adolescent fantasies*, CAROLINE MUNRO!

What she sees in that blonde fop I just don't know. Must be his wounded mystique.

Yes, yes, anyway, well worth tracking down and watching! Let the kid within you pretend it's Sunday night, 10pm, and that small montage that ends with the very image I have as my avatar lets you know that the Sunday Horrors are about to start.

(New Zealand reference there kiddies; there used to be a regular Sunday night horror movie slot where they played all kinds of classic stuff, including the Hammer flicks.)

* Her and Richelle McConkey (whose name I may have just misspelled). I say that without shame. Every guy had a crush on Richelle at some point or other.